Sober
by Bulletproof Bolly
Summary: Alex has been living and breathing in the modern world for three months now. She's managed to survive without her constant, but not for long. She needs to get back; but what will she find when she does? Will her and Gene ever be the same?
1. Prologue: Sober

_Well hi...this is my second fanfic, and yeah...I decided to open it with a Songfic to Kelly Clarkson's 'Sober', because it's a song which has come to mean so much to me as a person, and I really wanted to write something to go with it. I actually wrote this a while back just as a one-shot songfic, but I wasn't actually planning on posting it. Then I had the idea for the fic itself, and realised that this would be a perfect way to open it and sum up Alex's feelings and set the stage for the fic at the same time. Wow, I'm rambling...sorry! Anyway, once again, it shall be from Alex's POV and I hope you like it...it's very different to 'I'll Be Home For Christmas', thanks again to Mel for betaing...enjoy!_

**Prologue: Sober**

**And I don't know  
**_What do I know, really? Nothing. For the past three months, I've been trying to convince myself that you were a dream, but I can't. You were too real. Dreams don't have heartbeats. Dreams can't be that perfectly flawed. Nobody's ever fallen in love with a dream. That's the only proof I have._

**This could break my heart or save me  
**_That's what I like to think. I know it'll break my heart, and it might save me as well. I know this is wrong, I know it's stupid, but I need you. I don't know who you are; I haven't thought your name for so long- it hurts too much, I think I've forgotten it._

**  
Nothing's real  
Until you let go completely  
**_I learnt that when I left you the first time. At first, it didn't feel real at all. When I finally managed to get you out of my head completely; your voice, your face, even your name... that's when I finally started to feel at home here. But it still feels too perfect, surreally so... can you believe that I haven't shed a tear for three months? Not a single one. This can't be real. I have to let go of everything completely, and this is the only way I can think of. I have to at least try. _

**  
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving  
**_Everything I've blocked out. I'm going to set it free, no matter how much it hurts. I need to do it._

**  
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me  
**_I'm scared. I'm not worried about what will happen, I'm not scared of failing. I'm scared of what I'll feel when-if- I see you again. The guilt. I hurt you, and I don't know if you'll ever forgive me. I know that if you do, I don't deserve it. You should be angry with me, you should hate me. I hope you do. But I hope you feel the same as me as well. I hope you at least see how much I need you._

**  
Three months and I'm still sober  
**_I've been drinking too much since I got back. Much more than when I was with you, if you can believe that. But it doesn't work. It makes me feel terrible, but I don't get that feeling of... freedom. I don't feel like flying. I just feel bloody awful for the next 24 hours. I've been trying to get that feeling for three months now, and it still doesn't work. _

**  
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers  
But I know it's never really over  
**_No, it's not over. Whether this works or not, you and me are forever. Whether we're colleagues, enemies, friends or something much, much more, we will last forever. I'll never forget you. You're real._

**  
And I don't know  
I could crash and burn but maybe  
**_I can see the river getting closer and closer. I don't know why, but I need to drive into it. Crashing doesn't feel right. It doesn't have anything to do with your world- our world. Rivers just remind me of you. Don't ask me why, because it will only remind me of how little I know about myself. Just believe me. Just come back to me._

**  
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me  
**_I haven't been me for the past three months. I haven't laughed, I haven't pissed anyone off, I haven't shouted at anyone... at least, they're the less painful things. What hurts the most is what makes me feel like a different, hollow version of Alex Drake; I haven't seen anyone who's made my heartbeat audible, who's made me want to hit them and kiss them at the same time. I haven't seen you. _

**  
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right  
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time  
**_I've been weighing up my options for long enough now. I've been trying to think of significant events my history, and trying to co-ordinate my departure with them. But I can't do that anymore. I can't wait for someone else to make the decisions. I'm coming back to you._

**  
Three months and I'm still breathing  
**_For Molly's sake. But I'm sick of thinking about everyone else all the time. I need her, but I need you more. I need you to know how sorry I am, I need you to be angry at me, to tell me what a stupid bitch I am, and yet I also need you to tell me that it's alright, that you know how I feel, that you love me too much to be angry with me._

**  
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know  
It's never really over, no  
**_It's never been anywhere near over. I will remember your name, I will think it over and over again. I'll say it a million times if you come back to me._

**  
Wake up, wake up  
**_I'm getting there. I can feel it. It's effortless. I just need to keep the car going straight, it's so easy..._

**  
Three months and I'm still standing here  
**_I haven't got anywhere. But finally, I'm going to break away from this place._

**  
Three months and I'm getting better yeah  
**_I've finally made the decision I wanted to make all along. I was wrong for leaving you in the first place, but soon that won't matter. _

**  
Three months and I still am  
**_Unlike you, I still exist in this world. I wish I didn't, it would be so much easier. But at least I have a way of getting back, of being reunited with you forever. I may still physically exist here, but I don't care. I still am- I'm still Alex, deep down, and the minute I see your eyes again, the second I remember your name, Alex will resurface._

**  
Three months and it's still harder now  
**_Every time I thought I was nearly over you, I remembered what I'd done to you. I'm so stupid. I'm so sorry. Everything's so difficult, so confusing, but I will see you again._

**  
Three months I've been living here without you now  
**_It's been so hard. Is it hard for you too, without me? I hope so. I'm so terribly selfish, but I want to wake up and see you worn out, depressed, empty, just like I've been for three months now. I want the light to come back into your eyes the second you see me. I'm so pathetic._

**  
Three months yeah, three months I hurt  
**_Three months... such a short time hasn't felt so long since I was a little girl... thinking about my childhood reminds me of you. You were needed, and you were there, you took my hand and chased everything else away. You're needed again, Gene. Are you here? Are you listening?_

**  
Three months and I'm still breathing  
Three months and I still remember it  
**_I still remember what I did. I still remember you, even though I've forced myself to forget._

**  
Three months and I still wake up here  
**_Every morning, I hope to open my eyes to the real world. But I still wake up in this miserable world of glass, steel and lies. Not for much longer. Soon I'll see your eyes, hear your voice, remember your name..._

**  
Three months and I'm still sober  
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers...  
**_It's so effortless. One minute I'm driving along, the next I'm surrounded by grey water. I don't even try to get out. I just shut my eyes, staring into the blackness behind my lids. And then two lights pierce the blackness, two bright, beautiful blue lights. I don't even have to try to think it, the word just fills my head, drowns me in its familiarity. Just a glimpse of your perfect eyes, and I know I'm home. I'm back with the Guv. I'm back with the man whose presence I'm addicted to. I'm here, Gene. And I'll stay forever._


	2. Bliss

_Well, hello! I pormise this intro thingy won't be as long as it was in 'Sober'- it's just to say thanks to everyone who read and reviewed the prologue, and I hope you like the first chapter of this fic as much as you liked the opening._

**Bliss**

Two weeks of frustration. A fortnight of being stuck in a hospital bed; not being able to move properly for the first few days, but after that I was good to go. Still, the stupid nurses wouldn't even let me get out of bed without special permission; let alone walk out of the hospital. Still, I'm finally free. The scar still hurts occasionally, but what hurts most is the fact that I haven't been able to see you yet.

When I woke up, I felt so perfect. I was happy, for one split second. Then I realised that you weren't there, and my world seemed to turn upside down. When I first heard about where you were; in one of the cells in your own police station, I wanted to wake up in 2008 with Molly again, but every time I left a world I loved, it felt like a small piece of my heart was shattered, and I knew I wouldn't be able to go through that again. Besides, I want to be with you. That's why I feel so happy now. The bastard doctor won't let me go back to work for another two weeks, but I'm allowed to visit you.

I feel so strong. It's so bright out here- in actual fact it's giving me a bit of a headache but I don't care. I feel wonderful. I feel like flying. In a few minutes I'll see your beautiful blue eyes again, and everything will be okay. I know you, you're my constant. A few stupid walls and a door won't stop the Gene Genie- and as soon as I can, I'll get you out of there. I know it'll take a few weeks, until the bitch psychologist fruitcake (I never thought I'd say that, but it's true) thinks I'm 'mentally stable' enough to do anything other than mope around in my flat 'taking it easy'.

I haven't felt this good for so long. I've only just noticed I'm running; I'm wearing much lower heels than usual; only about an inch. The doctor told me to wear trainers, but I'm not that clumsy. I'm racing up the steps faster than I've ever done before, striding into CID, grinning. Everyone's turning to look at me, surprised. Shaz is smiling- she's married now, isn't that wonderful? I just hope that marriage turns out to be less of a disappointment to her than it was to me. I didn't even get my big white wedding; it was just a quick thing, just to make it official. And to what avail? That little shit buggered off when Mols was six months old anyway. Mols- I've been feeling guilty about leaving her for the past two weeks, but not now. Right now all I want is to get back to you, because I need you, Gene. I don't care where you are, I don't care what people think you are. I know it was an accident; and even if it hadn't been, I'd still believe that it was. Bullets are painful, but what would hurt a million times more would be the knowledge that you meant it. I know you didn't mean it, don't worry.

Your name feels so beautiful to think. Ever since that moment, the split second in which I remembered it, I haven't stopped thinking it. No matter what's going on around me, there's a voice in the back of my head, whispering '_Gene Hunt. Guv. Gene._' and it never stops, but I don't want it to. I love your name, just as much as I love you.

"Welcome back, ma'am!" Shaz's voice is so sincere. She means everything she says, and I don't see how anyone could fail to love her for that. She'd been to visit me a lot in hospital, along with Chris and, occasionally Ray. Not that Carling had said much, he'd just sat there, probably waiting for Chris to be available for a pint. Chris had tried to slip the odd word in, but he'd been just as shy and clumsy as always; which had led Shaz having to do all the talking. Not that she'd seemed to mind- she was very chatty outside the police station.

I can't help smiling at Shaz's open friendliness, but at the same time, I feel so impatient.  
"Hi, Shaz. Can I see the Guv?" As soon as the words leave my lips, I feel so rude, but I don't really care. I just need to see you. I need you. Of course, Ray has to get involved with everything.  
"Seeing as you're on leave, Mrs. Drake, perhaps you'd like to talk to our Desk Sergeant about it." Of course, he must be having such a tough time right now, what with Chris spending most of his time with Shaz. Normally, I would yell at him (or at least correct him- it's 'Ms' or 'Miss', thank-you very much), but for once I'm not even slightly perturbed by his annoying attitude.  
"Thank you." I tell him politely, before turning- not sparing my desk anything more than a slight glance out of the corner of my eye to check for any signs of roses. Nothing.

I feel so excited as I smile at Viv, and he leads me down to the cells. Everything around me is so familiar. Even the grimy walls of the downstairs corridor make me feel so comfortable and at ease. But nothing reassures me back than the feeling of your presence. With every step, I feel my heart beating faster. Every inch brings me into a higher state of bliss. I need to see you. I wish Viv would move faster, but I'm too blinded by happiness (though my eyes are free of tears) to feel any annoyance.

I'm almost there. Viv unlocks the door, smiling at me. He's so sweet. He steps back, and waits a few feet away, waiting for me to open the door. His dark eyes are on the wall opposite him. I can tell he's trying his best to tune out and see or hear nothing. I hope he manages to shut himself out completely. This is my moment- our moment. The CID cells may not be the perfect setting for a Hollywood-style reunion, but what does that matter now? Everything's so perfect.

I reach forwards with one hand and open the door. And there you are. My heart's pounding faster than ever as my gaze meets yours. There you are. A grin spreads across my face, and I can feel my eyes lighting up.


	3. Empty

_Okay, well, here's _'Empty'! _This chapter's slightly more eventful than the others...I hope you like it!_

**Empty**

And the second I see you look up I feel the glimmer die again. I've always been against judging people at first sight, but I can't help the disappointment that threatens to drown me as I stare into your eyes. It wasn't awkward to look into them at all. I'd been fearing the embarrassment, but nothing had prepared me for this. I can just stare into your eyes, without feeling anything at all. Why? I'm trying to tell myself that I don't know, or just that dying time and time again increases confidence, but I can't deny the truth; I can just look straight into them because they're empty.

I'd expected this to be hard. For two weeks, I'd lain in bed playing through every possibility for our reunion. Every single one. I'd known it would be hard to speak, that I wouldn't know what to say, and that you'd look straight at me and see right through me, but I wouldn't be able to meet your gaze evenly. I'd been through every possible scenario, other than this one.

You're not moving. You're just sitting there on that bed, leaning forwards, with your head turned towards the door, and your empty eyes on me. But it doesn't feel like you're looking at me. It doesn't feel like you're analysing me, seeing through all the strange comments and 'psychiatry bollocks' this time. It's as if you can't see me at all.

I step into the cell, looking away from you. The emptiness is hurting me too much already. I have no idea what to say, but it's not the kind of awkwardness I've been expecting. It's just that I'm not sure whether you'll hear me.  
"Hi." I sound so stupid. I can feel the word getting caught in my throat before I manage to push it out and it echoes off the grimy concrete walls. What do I look like to you? Do I look like a scared little girl? Because that's how I feel right now, Gene, and I need something- anything- to hang onto. Anything to tell me that this is real, and that it isn't about to fade to black forever.

"Hello." Your reply is so half-hearted, and your voice sounds different. Where's all the authority? All the aggressive determination? And what the hell happened to my name? Have you forgotten it? I hope you haven't. I just need you to tell me that you're really there.  
"How are you?" I know it sounds silly, but I need to make conversation. I need to coax some sort of reaction out of you.  
"I'm fine, thanks. How're you?" That hits me like a wrecking ball. I'd been preparing myself for the moment of joy when you snapped 'I'm not a bloody fairy!'. I'd been expecting my heart to start pounding against my ribs, but no. There's no _Guv_ left. And now I know what else is different about your voice; it seems to match the bags under your eyes. You haven't smoked in ages, I can't smell tobacco or smoke. You probably haven't slept properly for days either, but it's the lack of smoking that concerns me. And, of course, the fact that you're being so... soft, but so cold at the same time.

"I'm good, thanks." I'm smiling, but it feels more like a grimace. It's the most pathetic lie ever, but you're nodding... what's happened to you? It reminds me of something Martin Summers once told me. 'The great detective can't unravel the simplest clue?' he's told me that when he'd kidnapped and poisoned me. But you'd saved me. Why can't you save me now? Why can't you just give me that look which says 'don't lie to me'. I'd rather you came and started beating me up like a suspect, yelling for the truth. I was fine, until I walked into this cell and saw you like this. I'm looking right into your eyes again, searching for some sign of disbelief or irritation. But there's nothing. Just that emptiness again.

I have to break the silence. It's getting so awkward again- but not in that tense way, just in a sort of... empty way.  
"So, Shaz and Chris are married. Isn't that great?" It's a stupid thing to talk about, but anything will do. I smile as I say it, and it feels a little more convincing. I really am happy for Shaz and Chris, so at least I mean what I'm saying, even though I'd much rather be talking about you... and me... and us.  
"Yeah, it is." Your reply's flat, even though you smile at the end of it. It's not a real smile, it's like mine- empty.  
"It's a shame I missed the wedding- how was it?" At the moment, I couldn't care less, but I want to keep you talking. I'm frightened of letting my attention stray away from you for one second, in case you disappear like Molly did last time I was here. Molly... have I left her for nothing? Have I left her in a harsh, twisted, messed up world for this emptiness? Surely, there must be more than this.  
"It was nice." _Nice. _The word echoes off the concrete walls for a second or two, but it keeps coming back in my head. _Nice? _Since when did you use words like _nice_? Since now, evidently. Since I gave everything up for you.

Are you mad at me? Are you angry? Are you upset?  
"Gene, I'm sorry..." I don't know how to say it. I feel like such a Judas, but I still don't know why. I didn't lie to you. I wouldn't- I couldn't.  
"Don't be."  
"I am." I'm expecting a harsh reply. Something stupid and hurtful. But nothing hurts more than the silence between us.

"Well, er... I've got to go now. I'm not supposed to spend more than an hour out of the house at once. Doctor's orders." I fake another smile and turn around, shutting the cell door behind me. I'm walking away quickly- maybe you said goodbye back, but I didn't hear you.

Viv's eyes are fixed on the wall opposite. I wonder how much of our 'conversation' he heard- I wonder whether he knows how broken I feel inside. I don't want him to know. I can't be weak. I can't let anyone see how hard this is for me. Particularly not you.

As I walk out of the police station, not bothering to say bye to the others (I'll pop down when they're in Luigi's later) I can feel the part of me that was holding together in there crack, although I keep walking, faster than normal. I don't greet Luigi as I make my way to my flat.

I enter the small apartment I came to call home months ago, but was then forced to leave. It feels like it's greeting me, with its simple, extremely eighties decor. As I shut the door behind me, I feel a wave of nausea sweep over me and I stride into the bathroom, splashing cold water on my face to chase away the dizziness. When I'm done, I keep leaning on the sink. I see a flicker of movement out of the corner of my eye and look up. There you are, in the mirror, looking over my shoulder. I whip around, looking for you. You're gone, but the image in my head is still clear; I can still see you, looking back at me, empty.

I feel the last piece of my heart shatter like the glass of Chas Cale's window, and I fall to the ground. Everything goes black- and I'm unconscious. Empty.


	4. Just Like You

_Well, here's the next bit. It's quite a bit longer and more eventful than the other chapters...sorry it took so long. I've just had a really busy week, and when I finally got round to writing it the site wouldn't let me upload it. Anyway, it's here now. Thanks, as always, to my amazing beta reader Mel!_

**Just Like You**

Time flies when it hurts to think. I've always thought it's the other way round, but this period of time (has it really been two days already?) in which I'm trying to come to terms with what you've become has taught me otherwise. I want to talk to you, but I can't get up. Once or twice, I've imagined that you can hear my thoughts; that you're listening to me, because there's no way I can put all this into words. Can you hear me? Are you listening to every one of my thoughts? Do you realise, now, how sorry I am- how much I need you? Answer me, Gene, please. I need you.

The pain is only just beginning to ease. I realise that I have been eating and drinking normally- it's just that I haven't been thinking about it. I've just been getting up and satisfying my needs before collapsing again. There's just one need my instincts are failing to satisfy- my need for you.

I want to see you again, Guv. I want to make sure you were actually there the first time, that you weren't an illusion. But I'm scared. I never want to see you like that again. I don't know how I'm still alive- but I do know that I won't survive looking into your empty eyes again. It hurts too much.

I hear something. That's strange. I haven't heard anything other than my own thoughts for two days. I realise it's someone knocking on the door. I get up- I don't know what I'm wearing, but I don't care. I'm picturing you now, standing at my door, your eyes full... I can't wait. My hearts starts pounding.

I open the door and my heart seems to slow down immediately. It's not you. It's Shaz. Stupid Shaz. Why does she have to come here? This is my space, my pain, my mind. _Get her out!_

The look on her face is concerned, but she smiles. I wish she'd stop it. You're in charge here, Gene. If you don't want to show any emotion, then nobody else should either. Why's she grinning? I want to punch her really hard, but that would be showing emotion, and that's stupid. You're not doing it, so it's wrong.  
"Ma'am? Are you alright?" Her voice is even more annoying than her stupid face. It's so sweet... ugh... where's that basin I was sick earlier got to? Oh, that's right, I couldn't find it, it's all over the carpet instead. I want to be sick again now. Anything to get her out.

"Ma'am?" _Shut that bloody Essex girl up, will you? _I want to scream at her, but feelings are bad. I'll just be civil, cold, empty; just like you. If that's what it takes to rebuild the connection between us, that's what I'll do. I'll do anything.  
"Yeah, I'm fine, thanks." I reply, stepping away from the door slightly so she can walk in. See how empty I'm being? Is that good enough? "What did you want?" I'm being so polite. It's a miracle that I haven't punched her yet.  
"Oh, I just came to say hi- Luigi said you hadn't been out for a while, and I wondered if you wanted to go shopping or just have a walk or something. You know; girl's night out kind of thing?" Translation of that; t_he stupid nosy Italian man downstairs said you'd been moping around in your flat for two days so he told the typist, who decided to check on whether you're still alive. _Wow, Sharon Granger (or Skelton, or whatever it is now), you're such a fruitcake!  
"Not really, but thanks anyway." How much emptier do you get? I can see the disappointment on her face. Serves her right. But I'm keeping my eyes empty, I hope. It's hard to pretend I'm not enjoying seeing her like that, but never mind.

Oh, great, she's laughing now. That sort of weird 'ahihi' sound.  
"Can't fool you, can I? And there I was, thinking I could lie to a psychologist." She keeps ahihi-ing, but I can tell she's faking it. There's a nervous edge to her laugh. Can she see that I feel like ripping her head off? Tell me, how the hell is any of this funny?  
"No, I guess not." It's the kind of reply that I'd normally accompany with a smile, but not this time. I don't find it worthy of a smile, and I'm empty, remember? Just like you.  
"Well then, truth?" She's smiling now... ew. I just nod stiffly. "I was worried. I know you were upset about the Guv, and I thought you might want to talk about it." She replies.  
"Thanks, but I don't." The sound of any form of your name being spoken aloud by anyone makes my knees weak. I want to collapse into blackness again.  
"It's just that, well, he's not upset with you at all. He's been really strange with everyone since you... left." She's a persistent little brat, isn't she? And why's she saying I left? I was in a coma, I didn't leave. But I'm not going to correct her. I don't correct people anymore, that's too... Bolly-ish. I'm not Bolly anymore. Bolly's determined, annoying, clever, and argumentative. I'm Alex now. Just Alex. I'm empty.  
"I don't know what you mean." This is getting easier and easier. I can see why you like it now. It's so simple.  
"I'm not sure how to explain it, it's just that he's been so... Empty."

That shocks me, and I crack. I can feel my emotionless mask twisting into an expression of anger and pain. How dare she use that word? Empty's our word. It belongs to us. It's none of her business.

But I can't hide anymore. The genie's out of the bottle. I can feel my emotions flooding through my veins, colouring my body; controlling every move I make. I shut the door behind me and lead the way to the sofa, stepping over the mess on the floor.  
"Yeah, I found that too." I reply, with a small sad smile. I feel my expression mirrored in Shaz's face. We're so similar really- I just hope her marriage goes better than mine did. "Do you know what he's been like with the rest of the team?" The psychologist in me is taking control. I'm enjoying it. I haven't felt the thrill of trying to understand someone's mind for so long. And what a mind to analyse...  
"Well, Ray hasn't spoken to him. But Chris has, and he's been the same with him." That made my mind up. I'd tried being empty for you, and it hadn't worked. Now it's your turn to make an effort. I'm going to be Bolly, and you're going to be the Manc Lion.

"He needs help." I say immediately, and stand up.  
"Er, ma'am..." Shaz's voice is quiet as I walk towards the door. I turn to face her.  
"What?" My tone's annoyed. Suddenly I feel just as eager to see you as I did a few days ago.  
"You might want to get changed." She's so shy. Why's she being so wet? Then I catch sight of myself in the mirror; my fierce eyes and drawn but fearlessly angry face. That's why. I look down at myself. Yes, I look a complete mess, but I don't care. Getting dressed takes time. Time I'm not willing to waste. I ignore Shaz as I storm out of the flat, determined to see you.

The journey to the police station's taking so long. I'm frustrated with myself. I'm running as fast as I can. But it's not fast enough. I can feel you getting closer every second, but you're not close enough. I storm through the doors and see Viv.  
"I want to see Gene." I'm out of breath, but I still find the air to say the five words which have been echoing in the back of my mind for so long.  
"Right, well, you'll need to-" I can't be bothered with his stupid paperwork right now.  
"Now, Viv." I snap. Even though I still don't have my ID back from when you suspended me so long ago, he seems to accept my words as an order. He leads the way down to the cells. I don't say anything, even though I see him scrutinizing my appearance.

As soon as your cell door opens, the emptiness in your eyes attacks me. This time, though, I don't let it wound me. I'm going to get you mad. I'm going to get you so mad that you're going to get up and make some really rude comment. Something which will hurt almost as much as the emptiness, but heal me at the same time. Then I'll slap you and you'll yell at me and we'll be fine. Back to normal.

"Gene." I don't quite know how to start. I wish you'd look at me and tell me I look disgusting. That was partly why I didn't bother to make myself presentable. "I spoke to Shaz and, well... you need help." I can't be bothered with 'hello', because I can tell by the atmosphere in the room that nothing's changed since yesterday. I don't think I can bear the empty courtesy in your tone.

I pause there, I wait for the annoyance. But there's nothing. You don't even react. You just stare aimlessly into nowhere. "I know what you're feeling, Gene. Guilt, hatred, confusion... I know it's hard, Gene, but you have to try." Still nothing. I soften my voice even more, so I sound so sweet and syrupy it almost nauseates me. Surely you'll get angry. I walk over to the bed and sit down beside you, placing my hand on your shoulder. "I also know that it's hard to try. And that's what I'm here for, Gene. I want to help you." Why aren't you reacting? Why? Well, it's time for the metaphors.

I take a deep breath, meeting your empty gaze fully. It hurts, but I ignore the pain. If I can survive it for a few more seconds, just one more minute, then it'll be gone forever. Of that I'm sure. "You know, Gene- Guv," perhaps calling you Guv will help. Perhaps it'll remind you of the man you once were; no, I can't think of it that way. The man you still are, somewhere deep down, underneath all those layers of emptiness. "Guilt is harder to deal with than anger or sorrow. It's... it's like drowning. And you know which way is up, but you don't trust yourself enough to go that way. Some people start going in the opposite direction, some people just stay there and wait to die." I feel my voice crack, and suddenly I'm crying. "But you have nothing to be guilty about. I trust your judgement, and so should you. I don't know which way is up for you, but you do, and that's what matters..." I can't believe you haven't yelled at me. This is so wrong.

For one split second, I almost get up and leave, but I can't leave my feelings for you hanging from such a breakable thread. I have to say something that will force an answer- just some sort of acknowledgement will do. "Will you promise me something, Gene?" My heart starts to pound against my chest. It was there. It was barely visible, but I saw it. The slightest nod. There's nothing in your eyes, but you moved. That's what matters. You heard me, you're listening. "Promise you'll remember what I said. Will you promise me that, Guv?"  
"Okay." The word shatters my heart all over again. It's just as empty as the others- just when I'd begun to think I was getting somewhere. Still, I'm not going to let this hurt me.

I wipe the silent tears off my face and stand up. You're doing this deliberately, aren't you? You're doing it to annoy me, to make me feel guilty, to tell me how much you hate me. And there I was thinking you cared, believing you were genuinely hurt.  
I nod slightly before turning and storming out of the cell, the nausea settling in again. Maybe there's something wrong with _me_. Maybe I've changed. A few months ago, I seemed to act like a fruitcake as easily as I blinked. Now, it doesn't seem to work anymore. Perhaps I should get that perm back... _God, Alex, you're so immature. Gene's just abandoned you and you're being stupid!_ No, I'm not being stupid. You are. I hate you, Gene Selfish-bugger Hunt. I hate you, I hate you. I would turn back and scream about how much I hope you die in that grimy little cell... but you're not worth it. Either that, or I still love you too much. God, Gene, I hate you.


	5. Behind These Hazel Eyes

_Hello all! This is another songfic- this time to _Behind Thses Hazel Eyes _by Kelly Clarkson. Like Sober, it's a song which means a lot to me and I thought it would capture Alex's emotions after failing to rebuild her relationship with Gene for a second time perfectly. I hope I did the song justice =).  
Thanks, as always, to my marvellous Beta-reader Mel (Meldude150), who I've just noticed has taken the time to rearrange the chapter in order to make it look pretty (something I can never be bothered to do), thanks Mel =).  
Ok, I'll quite rambling now and let you read. As always, I don't own the song or the show...hope you enjoy it!_

**Behind These Hazel Eyes**

I feel awful. I pour myself another glass of wine, the nausea and headache getting worse by the second, but I can't escape that sober feeling. I never feel... free anymore, even though wine used to be my best escape route. My best route, other than your company. That truly made the ghosts go away, but you don't seem to think I'm worthy of your company anymore.  
I'm sober, but I can hear something in the background... music. Definitely not '80s music...  
**  
****Seems like just yesterday  
You were a part of me,**

**  
**_When I left everything to get back to you, I trusted you so completely. I thought we had a future together. I thought everything would feel right once I was in the same place as you. I was wrong._

**  
I used to stand so tall-  
I used to be so strong.**

**  
**_It was hard when I was here the first time. All I wanted was to get back to Mols, but I stood tall. 'We stood tall and we stared them down', that's what you said. Did you mean it? Because I don't think you did. I think you just wanted someone to tell you that you weren't alone. But you're alone now, and so am I._

**  
Your arms around me tight,  
Everything, it felt so right,**

**  
**_Every time you rescued me and held me in your arms, it felt so good. Why did you bother? Just so you could give me the chance to get back to my daughter? Just because you knew I'd give everything up to get back to you? Just to prove a point?_

**  
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong.**

**  
**_'Unbreakable, Bolly.' Are we really? Perhaps we _were, _but I felt so broken even then. You held me together. You were my superglue. But now I'm broken again, and I don't think I can be put together again. I've fallen off my wall._

**  
Now I can't breathe,  
No, I can't sleep,**

**  
**_I'm not breathing anyway. Not really. These are the last few seconds of my real life. I'm probably unconscious in the Thames now, just lying there, waiting to go completely._

**  
I'm barely hanging on.**

**  
**_Hanging onto what? Life? No, I'm not even trying. I want this to end as soon as possible. But it took Sam seven years, and jumping off a building has to be quicker than drowning. I'm hanging onto what's left of myself. I'm trying to make every fibre of my body hate you, and to be honest I'm struggling. _

Here I am, once again,

**  
**_Why? Why am I so stupid? Why did I come back here? Worse than that- I was stupid enough to fall for a man again. After what Pete did, I can't believe I was that stupid. You're all untrustworthy idiots, aren't you?_

**  
I'm torn into pieces,**

**  
**_When I saw you like that, I was guilty and upset. But I'm not stupid. I know you're only trying to let me know that you're not interested in me anymore. Now that I've died for you at least once (maybe twice, maybe three times) you couldn't care less._

**  
Can't deny it, can't pretend-  
Just thought you were the one.**

**  
**_I don't know what's real and what's not, but I can't live in a fantasy world. I've loved the man who took my by the hand so many years ago, in a different world- I thought it was Evan, but my love for that fatherly figure didn't change when I found out who it was. It just combined itself to the love I already had for you. The love I denied myself. The love I passed off as simply wanting someone to feel connected to in some way in such a strange place. But I can't ignore it anymore._

**  
Broken up, deep inside,**

**  
**_I've lost everything for you. My daughter, my home, my life, my career in a modern world. All of that just to come back here, where a promotion is about as likely as getting back to Mols now. And you don't care._

**  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry,  
Behind these hazel eyes.**

**  
**_You won't. I'm not crying, even though I'm alone in my living room, in the dark. Just in case you can hear me and you're watching. My lashes are dry. You won't see me shed a single tear for you. _

I told you everything,

**  
**_I don't suppose it's any use assuring you that I told you the absolute truth. I bet you know full well that I wasn't lying, but you think you have the right to act all sulky because I could've been lying. But you know me. I can't lie to you- I never could, not really._

**  
Opened up and let you in,**

**  
**_You thought I was insane. You think I am insane, but I told you everything. I begged you to let me in, and you seemed to at first. But that was just a front. It was just you making it look like you cared._

**  
You made me feel alright;  
For once in my life.**

**  
**_My first year or so here was truly awful. I had no idea what was going on, and I just wanted to go home. The only thing that was stopping me was you. Because I loved you, and you cared about me. You were a sexist, over-the-hill, overweight idiot who smoked like a chimney, but in your own way you made me feel better than I ever had. You made me temporarily forget about Mum and Dad, about Pete, about everything._

**  
Now all that's left of me  
Is what I pretend to be,  
So together, but so broken up inside.**

**  
**_Shaz phoned earlier. I told her I was fine. I smiled, even though I knew she couldn't see me. I said I was just tired because the painkillers made me feel sleepy. Then I hung up the phone, turned to the mirror and smiled again. From the outside, I probably look fine. Well, just as fine as I've always looked. But inside, I'm bleeding._

**  
'Cause I can't breathe  
No, I can't sleep  
I'm barely hanging on.**

**  
**_I know what I want to hang on to. I want to hang onto a shred of hope; I want to think that you _do _care, that you're just... pretending. Every now and then, I tell myself I'm going to believe that. I'm going to trust you, love you like I always have. But then I try to find a reason for why you're behaving like this, and I fail. That's when my hope drains away again._

Here I am, once again,

**  
**_Back in the world where nothing makes any sense. My other world... it was grey and boring, because you weren't there, but it was simple. And, because you weren't there, I could think clearly._

**  
I'm torn into pieces;  
Can't deny it, can't pretend,  
Just thought you were the one.  
Broken up, deep inside;  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry,  
Behind these hazel eyes.**

**  
**_I feel like breaking down and crying, but I won't give you the satisfaction. I'm never going to cry again; at least, not about you. You're not worth it._

Swallow me then spit me out-

**  
**_You cared. You made fun of me, you comforted me in your insensitive but perfect way, you helped me keep the pain I could never overcome at bay. But now you've rejected me._

**  
For hating you, I blame myself.**

**  
**_I blame myself for being stupid enough to fall for you in the first place. I hate myself for not being good enough for you._

**  
Seeing you it kills me now:**

**  
**_It killed me when I first came back and saw you in that cell, because I loved you, and it hurt to see someone as strong as you so broken. But now it kills me because I know that you don't care. That all your emptiness is simply a way of making me feel sorry for you. Or a way of telling me we no longer have a connection._

**  
No, I don't cry on the outside,  
Anymore...**

**  
**_I'm too broken for that. Why bother shedding tears over someone so selfish? I'm crying, but you won't get to see it. No tear will ever roll down my cheek because of you again. It'll just form silently behind my eyes._

**Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes.**

**  
**_I hate you. I know all you want to do is hurt me, and you've succeeded, but you'll never get to see the wounds you've inflicted. As far as you know, I don't care anymore either. I've never loved you, as far as you know._

Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one;

**  
**_But I do love you. More than I've ever loved anyone else. It's so complicated._

**  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes.**

**  
**_I swore to myself that I'd never say or think this again, but I can't help it. I need to get away from here- to get away from any place which reminds me of you. I want to go home._


	6. My Bolly

_Hello again! This is the next chapter and, for a change, it's from Gene's POV directed at Alex- sorry it took so long, it's just that it was quite a change from Gene to Alex, and I couldn't seem to get out of the 'Alex' mindframe for a while. Anyway, it's here now! It's set at the same time as_ 'Hazel Eyes',_ only obviously it's about what Gene's thinking in his prison cell, and it's not a songfic- which is good, as you're probably getting sick of my songfics. You're probably also getting sick of my rambling, so...  
Thanks to Mel (meldude150 on TRA) for beta-ing it for me so quickly...it took me over a week to write it, and she got it back to me the day after I sent it to her. **Thanks so much**! Obviously, thanks to everyone who's read/reviewed, it really means a lot to me- with this being a very angsty fic, and with it being in first person, I've put a lot of my own feelings into it, and it's good to know that it doesn't come across as the mad ramblings of some insane A2A-obsessed freak.  
The next chapter will probably be Alex's POV again...it shouldn't take as long as this one did. I hope you enjoy it! _

**My Bolly**

I need a smoke. And a drink. And yet another chance with Alex Drake. I know it's too much to ask- after everything I've said and done, I don't know how you managed to come and visit me. I don't know how I could be so stupid- why did I have to ignore you like that? I'm no good at all the psychotwattery you do, but I know how much I've hurt you. Not that you care about me- not really- you're much too perfect to care- but I know it was so stupid of me. I'm your colleague- at least, I was until people started to think I shot you. Well, I did shoot you, but everyone thinks I _shot_ you.

You were much too kind to me- if only you'd come in and yelled at me, as you would've done a few months back. I thought the worst thing you could do was refuse to wake up- I would've deserved that though. Now I realise that nothing could possibly hurt more than the fact that you feel the need to apologize to _me_.

Maybe you did lie to me last November- maybe everything you told me was complete rubbish, as I thought it was at first. But the trouble is... I never believed that you were lying. Not really. It was just that everything you said was too insane for my humble little whiskey-powered brain to handle- but every second I've spent thinking of you as a liar has convinced me that you were telling me the truth. Every time I've re-run that scene through my head, trying to find proof that you were hiding something from me, covering up for someone, I simply find more clues hinting that you were telling the absolute truth. I know you're clever- cleverer than I've ever given you credit for- but surely you couldn't conjure up such total sincerity. Surely you couldn't lie to me like that, even if I don't mean anything to you?

At least, I hope I don't mean anything to you, Alex. I don't deserve you. I shot you, for God's sake, I know I didn't _shoot_ you, but I shot you. Why aren't you mad at me? Why don't you come and punch me? Why don't you go to your posh lawyer friend Evan White and sue me? You always had a thing for him, and he'd love to put me away for good. Why don't you? Why are you sorry? You shouldn't be- it's my fault. It's my fault Tim and Caroline Price died... I'll admit to destroying the tape... I'll even admit to the bloody murder if it gets me what I deserve. I deserve a life sentence.

I'd rather be locked up properly forever than be here. Maybe you are mad at me? Maybe that's why you're making me stay here, locked in one of my own cells- thought of as scum by my own team. Is that it? No, that's wishful thinking. I saw the look in your eyes when you saw me. I don't know what you were expecting from me when you gave me that whole rant about finding the right way out... I don't want to find my way out. I don't deserve it. I didn't shoot you on purpose, but I didn't suspend you and mention your daughter by accident. I'm a rotten person, why can't you see that?

I hate the new Alex. You're not Bolly anymore. You're not the posh tart you used to be- I love Bolly. If Bolly had walked into this cell a few days ago, I'd still be covered in bruises. But no, the person who came to visit me was Alex- not a complete stranger, but a mere echo of my Bolly. Like Bolly's shadow. Still every bit as beautiful, but hollow.

I can't look around the cell anymore without seeing you standing there, telling me to find the way out. How can I? I can tell how much I'm hurting you by not reacting, but if I react it'll all come out wrong. I have to keep the Manc Lion at bay. The Manc Lion shot his DI. I don't want to be that man anymore. I want to be the good, kind, decent man you once told me I was. I want to be punished for my mistakes, but you won't let me- so my only choice is to shut up and wait for something to happen.

But I can't do that. Every time I see your face in my mind, I realise that you're trying to conceal pain. I'm hurting you, aren't I? I'm hurting you by not reacting. But it's all for the best... or is it?

I don't know what to do. I want to talk to you, to tell you that I'm not mad at you, to tell you that I'm Gene Hunt really, but I'm scared of how you'll react. I'm scared that you'll turn into one of my dreams.

Before Mac started all this, I used to dream about you telling me how much I meant to you. Telling me everything I knew I'd never have the courage to tell you. I still have those dreams, but now they're nightmares. You say exactly the same things, but I don't want you to. I want to shout at you, to tell you I'm nowhere near good enough for you, that you should stay away, but you never listen.

You never listen because in my dreams you're still Bolly. My fiery, stubborn, annoying, fruitcakey, impossible Bolly. The Bolly I'd do anything to get back...

Maybe that's it. Maybe I have to tell you how I feel about you, but that I'm no good for you, just to get you to tell me to shut up. Maybe I need to talk to you, rather than just stare into space as I've been trying so hard to do ever since you woke up.

But how do I get you to come back? I don't read minds, but last time you left I saw that you didn't want to come back. If only you could come and visit me once more- just once- I could tell you the truth about me. Please come back, Alex, please. I need you to come back, I need to see my Bolly.


	7. Save You

_Hi y'all! Sorry it took so long- my computer crashed so I couldn't upload it...still, it's here now! It's from Alex's point of view again. Hope you like it!  
Thanks, as always, to Mel, my brilliant Beta reader, and to everyone who read/reviewed the previous chanpters (hopefully you're reading this now!)...  
Well, I'd better hurry up and write the next bit before series 3 comes out!  
Just so you know, this chapter's loosely inspired by Kelly Clarkson's song, _'Save You', _however it's not a songfic and the song doesn't actually feature in the chapter..._

**Save You**

I can't see a thing. Where the hell am I? It's all grey. There's no sign of the empty blackness which normally haunts my dreams here, so I can't be sleeping; but there's nothing to see either. Just fog. It doesn't feel like an empty space- it feels cramped. Claustrophobic. As if the fog's closing in on me. Still, it's better than the emptiness. I hate emptiness. It makes people all strange. I'd rather not see a person at all than see the emptiness in their eyes.

I can see something now. I'm starting to panic. It's quite clearly a man. Tall, broad-shouldered...I would recognise that figure anywhere, even though it's only a dark grey shadow in the fog. I know it's you, but I don't know how to react. I want to wait for you- want to scream at you and tell you what a selfish bastard you are, but I'm scared of your reaction. I know you'll just stand and stare, perhaps even politely apologise- and that thought scares me. A lot. You get closer, bigger, but I still can't see you in any detail. You're still just a shadow, even when it looks like you're standing about a foot away.

Suddenly, I can see you properly. Is it really you, Gene? No, it isn't, it can't be. Yes, it is, it has to be. This is definitely a dream, there's no colour. Your hair's a weird silvery white colour. It's just my subconscious being too lazy to add colour to a mere dream.

But it isn't in black and white. Your eyes a blue- just as blue and beautiful as they've always been. They're staring right at me. A part of me notices that they're empty, and I'm surprised to find that I can't feel any of me shattering. Perhaps that's because I'm so broken already that nothing can hurt me anymore. Or perhaps it's because I'm too shocked to notice why there's no colour in your hair, why your skin's so papery and fragile looking. You're an old man.

I open my mouth to speak, but no sound comes out. It's as if we're stuck underwater, only I don't need to breathe. Perhaps I do, but I don't want to. I don't want to survive in a world where you're so...breakable. You're my constant, you can't break, can you? No, of course not. And you can't age either. You're a constant. You've never changed, not really.

You're doing this deliberately. You're making yourself look like an old man so I won't be able to shout at you. So I'll pity you, give you a hug, tell you I'm sorry. I _am_ sorry, but I'm not going to tell you that. I told you once and you didn't listen. You were too busy trying to let me know that you didn't care about me anymore. Too busy being too cowardly to actually _tell_ me how you felt. Too busy pretending to be empty. I hate you.

I try to slap you, but the fog slows me down. It's like dragging my arm through water. When I make contact with your face, there is no contact. My hand just passes right through your head, and your image is distorted for a second. You flicker for a second, and then disappear.  
The instant you leave, I realise that all the dull light in the fog was coming from you. I'm plunged into darkness, like one of my normal dreams.

I awake, sitting up in bed cold sweat dripping down my forehead. I look over at my bedside table, in hope of finding out what time it is, but I'm distracted by the sight of a half-empty wineglass, and remember that, despite the killer headache and nausea, I'm still sober after three bottles of Luigi's finest. What _is_ wrong with this place? What's wrong with me? Perhaps those two questions are the same. Perhaps I'm in my own head after all. This place is just about messed up enough to be my imaginary world.

With a sigh, I get up off the bed, swallowing the remaining red wine and carrying the now empty glass and bottles through to the kitchen. As I do so, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I look awful...the purple circles under my eyes, the way my hair is intolerably messy and I appear to have lost even more weight makes me look different. Older.

That's when I remember my dream, and before I can regain control of myself the bottles and glass fall out of my arms, shattering as they fall onto the floor. Shattering into thousands of little pieces- but I don't care. My soul's shattering too. I remember the image of you. So old, so fragile, and still empty.

I can't let that happen to you. I know I hate you, but I can't help it. Nothing I tell myself will change anything. It was all my fault really. I have no idea why you're so empty, but I can't let you grow old in that grimy little cell. I have to help you.

I hurt you, didn't I? I hurt you a lot. I left you stranded, because I couldn't face the fact that you were real all along. And the whole emptiness...that's just because of the pain, isn't it? It's just because you're trying to find the proof that I care, because I haven't been acting like I care at all. I'm so sorry, Guv. I'm going to fix this mess right now. I promise.

I ignore the broken glass and head to the bathroom. I'm going to have a shower- neaten up, make myself presentable, and then I'm going to tell everyone what really happened. I'm going to get you out of there and show you how much I really care. I'm going to save you Gene, I'm coming right now.


	8. Real

_Here's the last chapter! I might have an epilogue coming up, depending on the reviews and whether or not I can get it done by next Friday. It's mostly from Alex's point of view, but it does switch a couple of times...  
Thanks so much to everyone who has read/reviewed, and, as always, a giant hug to Mel, my beta reader!  
Hope you like it! _**  
Real**

I look at myself in the mirror, and a smile spreads across my face. I haven't looked like this for a long time. At first, I thought I should change my appearance- steer clear of blue eyeliner and anything that might remind you of the accident, but I don't want you to think I've changed at all. I'm still Bolly- a little underweight, but apart from that, I'm still your Lady Bols. So I've carefully brushed and sprayed my hair into its usual style, applied the lipstick and blue eyeliner (the lighter shade I wore last year- not the royal blue from when I first arrived) and I'm ready to go.

I look down, inspecting my clothes. I'm glad to find that they only look a little too big, but it's hardly noticeable (I deliberately picked my tightest pair of black jeans and the black silk blouse I wore on our dinner date to Luigi's all those months ago). I've got a thick black belt on my waist, both to keep the top in place and to conceal the slight lump from the bandage.

I sigh, trying to calm my nerves as I slip into my treasured white leather jacket and step out of my flat, shutting the door behind me. I walk into Luigi's on my way down, breathing in the familiar scent of the wine bar and smiling at the balding Italian waiter, who, as usual, makes a kind comment regarding my appearance. I'm tempted to stop for a drink- surely some wine would calm me down? _No, Alex_, I tell myself firmly, _you're going straight to Gene._ So I turn away from the counter and stride out into the street.

I can't believe how fast I'm running. I know I should be exhausted, but I feel wonderful as I run towards the station. It's because I'm running to _you_, Gene, and this time I'm sure you'll be a real person. There's no way I'm going to let you rot behind bars. I needed Molly when I first got here, and all those months I thought I still needed her, but it was just my way of hiding that all I ever needed was you.

I walk briskly into the station, trying not to run, trying to look calm. Viv smiles at me as I approach him, but I don't smile back. I know I should, and I try, but all I can think of is you.  
"I want to see Gene." I say firmly- as if Viv doesn't know that already. Why else would I be here?  
"Certainly, Ma'am. Are you alright?" He replies. Shaz must've told them all about the state I was in when she visited me, but I have no patience for questions right now.  
"Now, Viv. Quit the small talk." I snap- and the second the words are out, I realize how bitchy I sounded and feel instantly guilty. As Viv nods and leads the way down to the cells, I blurt out an apology. "God, Viv, I'm sorry…" my voice is still riddled with annoyance. I just want him to hurry up so I can see you.

After half a minute, which felt more like half a decade, Viv stops and unlocks your cell door, and I realize how nervous I am. If I blow it now, I won't have another chance to make you realize that we've always had a connection- that we're unbreakable. If I blow it now, I'll just be proving how breakable we are.

As I step into the cell, I force myself to look towards you, and brace myself for the inevitable emptiness in your eyes. I know it'll be there, I know it'll hurt me, but I also know what will happen if I let it bring me down, and I can't let that happen.

I turn to look at you as you enter the cell- a vision in black silk- completely out of place in a grimy police cell, but still perfect. It's the first time I've looked at you properly since I shot you. I'd forgotten how perfect you were.

A wave of guilt floods through me as I realize that you look thinner than you did before, but it doesn't affect the flames of joy inside me. I'm so happy you came, and as I look at you, I remember that I need to keep the emptiness out of my eyes. It shouldn't be hard- it was so difficult for me to make myself look empty in the first place.

I want to say something- I want to tell you how happy I am to see you, but I don't trust myself with words. I'll wait for you to start. Perhaps you've come here to tell me that you're moving on- that you hate me. You'd be right to do so, I don't deserve your trust. Then your gaze meets mine fully, and I see a flicker of something... hope? Surprise? Or is it hatred?

I avoid your eyes for a few short moments before looking straight at you, prepared for the emptiness. I know what's coming; I won't let it hurt me. I look straight at you, meeting your gaze, expecting the emptiness…

But it's not there. I want to scream with joy, but I decide not to get my hopes up too soon.  
"Gene…" I start, walking over to your bed and sitting down beside you. You turn to look at me as I do so, and a give you a small smile, even though I've never felt this nervous before. _Just get on with it_, I tell myself firmly. So I do. "I, er… I've been thinking about this- about you, and, well…in doing so, I've come to realize that there are things we need to sort out." I think about each word before it leaves my lips, but I'm still filled with insecurity as I speak. What if it came out wrong? I can't let you stay here…

I wait for a reply. My eyes want to look away from you, to avoid your gaze, but I don't let them. I can't run away from you any longer.

You don't say anything, and for a terrible moment I think the emptiness is back, but there's something in your eyes… is it relief? I don't know, but I see you nod slightly, so I carry on, more confidently than before. You're listening- all I have to do is be completely honest…

"I don't know exactly what happened here while I was… away," I see a flash of pain and guilt in your eyes as I mention the accident, but I don't let that stop me, even though it hurts almost as much as the emptiness. It's a different kind of pain. I can live with it, but I know I need to get rid of your guilt- that's my mission, that's what will ease your pain and, consequentially, will also ease mine. I take a deep breath and continue. "But I do know what happened where I was. I woke up and I was happy, Guv, I really was. I had Molly…" I trail off, not because I can't handle talking about Molly but because I see you. I see the look in your eyes- confusion, I think, but I'm not sure. I'm worried that you'll think I'm lying to you again, but I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to hide anything.

"I was happy there, for a while, but it wasn't right." I can feel my confidence growing. It's getting easier, because I can see that you're listening, that you care. The next bit's going to be much harder, but I can do it. I take a deep breath and continue. "It wasn't right, so I came back." I feel my lips curling into a tight but spontaneous smile. I haven't smiled for so long- it feels strange.

You mirror my expression- and I feel my heart swell, and then sink as your face saddens again. Still, I know you're glad I'm back now.  
I don't know what to say- should I wait for an answer, or fill the silence? I wait for thirty seconds, which feel more like hours, but you don't say anything. I get to my feet and turn to look at you.  
"I'd better get going… I need to find you a proper solicitor." I say, smiling slightly at the prospect of helping you out of this mess.

I see you turn away and feel like screaming. You can't go- not now. I know you're going to get me out of here, but I don't think I can sit in this cell without you for one more second.

I don't think- I just act instinctively, as I always have done. I get to my feet and reach out to grasp your wrist- like you did almost two years ago in Luigi's before I went out to face Gil Hollis.

I don't pull you towards me- I don't move, I just stand there holding your wrist, mentally begging you to turn around and stay with me until I can leave this cell.

Just as I start to walk towards the door I feel something grasp my wrist. I turn to face you, my whole world moving in slow motion. As my eyes meet yours, you let go, and both our arms drop to our sides.

We're standing so close… my toes are only an inch away from yours. Why am I noticing how close our toes are all of a sudden? I don't know, and I don't care. All I know is that you're standing right in front of me, and the atmosphere in the cell's changed. It's somewhat lighter now… there's less pressure.

"I've been thinking too, Bols." The sound of your nickname for me sends shivers down my spine. This time, it's my turn to nod and keep quiet. I wait for you to continue, my heart beating so loud I'm sure you can hear it. "I missed your psychiatry stuff." You smile, and I beam back.  
"Psychology." I correct half-heartedly, even though I know you don't need correcting- you never did. You're perfect as you are, Guv. I wish I could tell you, but I can't bring myself to speak.

I take a tentative step forward, looking up at you. Should I? Shouldn't I? My mind starts arguing with itself, but my body has different intentions.

With my internal debate still going on in the background, I find myself reaching up until our lips brush against each other. The moment I've been waiting for… perfection. I still can't believe it's happening, but I know it is. For the first time in so long, I am sure of what is real. You're real, this is real- and _we're_ real.


	9. Epilogue: Innocence

Well, this is the last chapter (properly, this time!). It's a songfic to _'Innocence' _by Avril Lavigne- I had a huge list of songs to use, but Mel (my brilliant, amazing, awesome beta reader) helped me narrow it down a lot.  
I hope you like the ending- thanks to everyone who's read/reviewed! Thanks to Mel, for everything- and thanks to everyone involved in making A2A for making such a wonderful show exist! I can't wait 'til series 3 (only a few days to go!).  
Thanks so much again,  
xoxo_Gee_xoxo

**Innocence**

_I awake to the sound of gentle piano music. The moment it starts, I recognize it. It's always been one of Molly's favourites, and mine too. I used to think it related to us so well- we needed each other, and we looked after each other. But it never felt quite right. It always felt like it was directed at someone that wasn't there for me- someone I'd never met, and never would meet.__ I was wrong. I had met you, long ago, but I was too wrapped up in the grey world made of glass, steel and politics to remember you.  
For the first time, I don't ask myself how I can possibly be hearing a 2007 song in 1983. It's perfect, and that's all I care about.  
All these thoughts rush through my head in the seven second-long, lullaby-like piano introduction. As the singing starts, I open my eyes slowly._

_**  
**_**Waking up I see that everything is ok-  
The first time in my life and now it's so great,**

**  
**_My bedroom is filled with soft golden sunlight. It takes my eyes a second to adjust to my dimly lit surroundings. My head's resting on your chest- I want to see you, but I can tell by your deep breathing that you're still asleep, and I don't want to wake you. I've never felt this good. This is how I've woken up every morning for the past three and a half months- although sometimes you've been looking back at me, already wide-awake. Still, every time feels like the first. Everything's so colourful, so real…_

**  
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed.  
I think about the little things that make life great;****  
I wouldn't change a thing about it,**

**  
**_The past fourteen weeks haven't been without incident. We're never going to be able to solve a case without arguing, but every time you make me want to scream at you, I smile inside. The same applies to Chris and Ray, and to everyone in this reality. I know you're never going to change, and, though it may exasperate me at the time, I know I'm addicted to you really. And, by the looks of it, you know it too. _

**  
This is the best feeling.**

**  
**_I never know what's coming, but I'm sure that, whatever comes, you'll be right beside me. Bolly and the Gene Genie- fighting the rot together. And we've got everything to fight for, because we've got everything to lose- but I know we'll never lose anything. We're too special for that to happen._

**  
****This innocence is brilliant,**

**  
**_In this world, I can be honest. I can do my job and live my life with you, but I don't have to lie to keep anyone happy. Nothing here's about politics or money. It's about us._

**  
I hope that it will stay;****  
This moment is perfect,  
Please don't go away;**

**  
**_Please don't make this be yet another broken dream. I know it can't be- it's far too real for that, but I still can't bear the thought of waking up somewhere cold and grey without you. _

**  
I need you now,**

**  
**_I need my constant- my stubborn and angry Manc Lion. I need you to keep me fighting for what's right when all I want is to go home, stay with you and shut the rest of the world. But, at the same time, I need that loving Gene that always lurks behind the anger, waiting to come and catch me whenever I fall flat on my face. _

**  
And I'll hold on to it,**

**  
**_I won't ever let go of you, of this. I know I said the same about Molly, but that was in a different world, a different place. That place isn't real anymore, and this place is. As long as you're with me, I'll never let it go. _

**  
Don't you let it pass you by.**

**  
**_I know how special this is. I know you do too. As long as we both know, we're real. Don't let this reality slip away, Gene. I know I won't._

**  
****I found a place so safe, not a single tear;**

**  
**_I have shed a few tears- but of joy. At your trial, when you got off. Every time I wake up, I feel a single tear trickle down my cheek at the sheer beauty of the moment- but I haven't cried. Not really. There have been a couple of occasions- frustrating cases, mostly, but you've always been there for me to turn my anger and stress into loving happiness._

**  
The first time in my life and now it's so clear.**

**  
**_I've never felt like this. I had Pete, so long ago, but he wasn't like you. I always felt as if we weren't treasuring everything we had enough. Now I realise that it was because there was nothing to treasure. It wasn't anywhere near as real as this. It wasn't as special- _he_ wasn't as special._

**  
Feel calm, I belong, I'm so happy here,**

**  
**_I still know way more about upcoming events than I'm supposed to, but I have a place in this world now, and everyone can see that._

**  
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere-  
I wouldn't change a thing about it,**

**  
**_I always thought that, one of these days, I would manage to change you. Now I realise that I was never really trying. I thought I was, but I didn't want to, even then. I just didn't know it yet._

**  
This is the best feeling.**

**  
**_Gingerly, trying not to wake you, I bend my head back so that I can see you properly, and smile to myself._

**  
****This innocence is brilliant,  
I hope that it will stay;  
This moment is perfect,**

**  
**_It's so comfortable, here in your arms. It's so warm, but never too hot. It's as if our temperatures instantly adapt to each other whenever we touch. _

**  
Please don't go away;**

**  
**_I know we have work to do today, as we always do, and I'm looking forward to a whole day with you, doing what we do best- keeping London safe. But I don't want this moment to end either._

**  
I need you now,  
And I'll hold on to it,  
Don't you let it pass you by.**

**  
**_I'll never let go of you, Gene. Even when we're in CID working, and we can't spend as much time together as I'd like to, I'm holding on to you. I may not be in your arms, but I never let you slip out of my thoughts. I don't think I could if I tried.  
_**  
It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming;**

**  
**_Now I finally understand why I always thought I was dreaming. This world was too amazing to possibly seem real. It had so many flaws, but each one only increased my love for this place and everyone in it._

_  
_**It's the happiness inside that you're feeling;**

**  
**_I've never been this happy. I know how terribly clichéd that sounds, but it's true. Even when I was with Pete, I never felt like this. I could never lie in his arms and know that, whatever happened, I still had him. I never saw in him what I always see in you- because, at the time, I didn't know people could be any more special than Pete. I was so wrong, but I know that now's not the time for regrets. No matter what I did wrong to deserve Pete, I know that something I did- I don't know what- led me to you, and that's reason enough to love every second of my past._

**  
It's so beautiful it makes you want to cry.**

**  
**_I feel a large tear roll down my cheek and onto your chest. That's when your blue eyes flicker open, and I find myself drowning in your gaze._

**  
****It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming;**

**  
**_You stroke my face gently with the back of your hand, and bend down to kiss the tear off my cheek. You know I'm not crying because I'm upset- you're so used to these little tearful mornings of mine that you seem to find them slightly amusing. In actual fact, so do I. Anything that makes you smile makes me smile too._

**  
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling;**

**  
**_It's such a strange feeling. It's as if I can _feel _myself glowing as I smile at you lovingly and reach up to kiss your lips gently. This is how it's been for several months now, but it doesn't feel like routine. Every time feels like the first, because it's spontaneous. I mean everything I say, everything I think and everything I do. I mean it when I say I love you. _

**  
It's so ****beautiful it makes you want cry.**

**  
**_For a brief second, I wonder whether you can hear the music too. The slow, gentle rhythm of the kiss seems to be in perfect timing with the song, but I push my musings to one side. This moment's to beautiful to ruin with stupid questions. I can hear the music, and I can hear both our heartbeats in the background, and it's perfect. _

_**  
**_**It's so beautiful it makes you want to cry.**

**  
**_Another tear rolls down my cheek as we kiss, and you wipe it away with your thumb as you pull away, slowly and reluctantly._

**  
****This innocence is brilliant, it makes you want to cry,**

**  
**_I can see your eyes glistening. It looks like you're on the verge of tears too- even though I know you won't cry. You're far too strong for that. Even now that we mean more to each other than any other couple has ever been, you're too proud to let me see you all soft. That's why I love you so much. You still have that 'devastatingly attractive air of mystery'._

**  
This innocence is brilliant, please don't go away****.  
'Cause I need you now,**

**  
**_We lie there, knowing that we're going to have to get up in a few minutes' time- but that we can make the next few minutes last forever. We can last forever, because I'll never leave you. Please don't leave me, Gene. I need you._

**  
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by.**

**  
**_You're perfect Gene, and for the first time in my life, I feel perfect too. Surely I must be, if I get to spend the rest of my life with an angel?_

**  
****This innocence is brilliant,  
I hope that it will stay;**

**  
**_Everything's silent- I can hear both our heartbeats, the song in the background, and our breathing. It's like something out of a film, only it's real. I don't have that horrible sober feeling anymore. Every time I see you, I feel giddy, even though I don't drink much anymore. I don't need to. I have you now, what do I need wine for?_

**  
This moment is perfect,**

**  
**_You break the silence, but it doesn't feel like it's been broken. Your voice is too familiar for that, and your words instantly bring a smile to my face.  
"How's Chloe Sam?" You ask, and I feel myself glowing even brighter. I reach down and stroke the barely noticeable bulge in my stomach. This is why I've stopped drinking._

**  
Please don't go away;**

**  
**_When I found out that I was expecting Molly, I panicked. So did Pete. We got married in a rush, telling our families that we'd wanted our wedding to be a surprise, to avoid them finding out. Even then, I was worried a lot of the time- I hadn't completely finished my studies, and Pete did sod all day in and day out. But I'm not at all worried this time. I can tell._

**  
I need you now,**

**  
**_Maybe we will get married, maybe not. We don't need rings on our fingers to keep us together, but at the same time, I would like another chance to walk down the aisle, to change my name to Hunt, to get married because I'm in love, not because of family_ _politics._

_  
_**And I'll hold on to it,**

**  
**_I have something to live for again- not just you, but also Chloe Sam. It took us too long to choose the names; Sam came to us almost straight away, but Chloe took a little longer.  
As I remember our numerous conversations regarding names- some of them late at night or early in the morning, others in Luigi's, and a couple in your office in CID, you place your hand tenderly over mine. It's as if you knew exactly what I was thinking about. I look up and smile. Whether that little bump grows up to be Chloe Caroline or Samuel Bryan, we'll always be Gene and Alex, and we'll never be apart._

**  
Don't you let it pass you by.**

**  
**_As the music fades away, I relax completely, enjoying the silence- only it's not silence. I can hear us both breathing, and there are three heartbeats in the room. Yours, mine, and our baby's._


End file.
